How is everyone? Peaceful i do hope.
Where tostart...its been a while. My birthday has come an gone...another year. Geez i do feel like im gettin old. I had a very sweet an simple dinner amongst a few intimate friends an then celebrated downtown. I asked my ex to join us...he declined. Oh how i do miss an love that boy. I just wish i could forget about him like he's clearly done to me. We went to see a movie together the other night in fact.... It wasnt too akward. It was the first time in my entire life that i had to pay for a movie. I didnt know how expensive they were either! Boy, the lost of living is sky rocketting, eh? I could blog all day about this boy...his touch, his smell, his eyes, his kiss. I just need help gettin over him.
So one of my favorite movies is FACTORY GIRL an its a tale of andy warhol's muse an close companion Edie Sedgwick. I've seen the movie numerous times an instantly fell in love with Sienna Miller's character; Edie Sedwick. When i hear how she was described by those that knew her before she passed it all sounds like me. Edie was very socialable, friendly, craved to be loved, an wanted to love. Ofcourse the qualities also caused her downfall...but i cant help but envy her life, an want to be her. Things have been goin so shitty for my lately. Ive picked back up a bad habit, smoking. I even feel like i've put on weight. An that scares me. I don't want to do anything ill regret to loose it but i do need to fast for a day an then begin binge eating.
School starts pretty soon. I've got all my classes ready to begin next Monday. Im goin to do extremely well so that i may transfer schools, graduate an move away from my family. I blame a LOT of my insecurities an views of things on them. I need to break free. I also feel that my place would be a safe haven for my siblings. My moms anger rages have left physical bruises on us quite often but the ones that are left on the inside i dont believe will ever go away, but breaking free will be the only way they can begin to heal. I missed a lot of school growing up because i was 'sick'...which was short for i had a bruise that ouldn't be covered so i stayed home from school. When i was away for school i felt so guilty everytime my siblings would text me what mom was doing to them. I felt that if i was there i could protect them an take the reprecussions myself. But now i can...an once i get away they'll be old enough to come stay with me whenever they want. SPEND THE WHOLE SUMMER WITH ME if they want an we'll have fun like a REAL family.
After 20 years the man that helped conceive my existence is back in my life. TECHNICALLY he's not in MY life...more so after my mom. I just come along with the package. I dont know how i feel bout it. I want my mom tobe happy because no matter what hell she's put us through...she's my mom. I also dont want him to get away with leaving her to raise a child all alone without any help or contact for 20 years.I feel like she's lettin him off too easy so im puttin up twice the guard for my self an her lack of one. He comes over an stays all night talkin an laughin with her an doesn't even acknowledge his own flesh an blood waltzing around the house.
I think i've vented enough...postin pictures of Edie Sedgwick soon. xoxo
