fml

Part 1:FAMILY
Needless to say my life is one long, humiliating fml story...ya know? the ones you see on that sight where people post their complete misfortune for our enjoyment and ever so often you even have to respond to one like; "Damn, im glad im not you"...i never get that luxury because well as i said, my entire life is an fml post. One day i hope to die and leave this my memoir and you all can just search for it on the fml site...sad but true.
It had come to my conclusion after 21 years, that i am not only a prisoner within this damn household but within this family. I love my family to bits! Would cut my own heart out if either of my siblings needed it to live...but im begining to noticed that if i start to have an ounce of life outside of this family, or i find myself living outside the realms of my "perfect", "happy" family i begin to see a new side of dawn....sidetrack w me for a minute. Remember that Queen of the Damned movie that came out sometime in the 90s? At that one second when the vampire approaches Aaliyah in that freaky club joint, shes real seductive and sexy but when she rips his heart out and eats it...freeze your tv...thats the sudden change i feel in the house, and not necessarily within the house but within my mom....i dont get it.
I used to party party party and club club club in between the parties but i kinda did it so much it became so played out that now i find fun times by seeing a movie, dinner w a gladd of wine or 2 or simply just going somewhere to talk tiol they close and i HAVE to return home....and yet i still get treated like im doing crack, selling my body, raping and kidnapping people...its just like uhhh mom wth!
Im starting to think that she believesx i should be miserable and single for my life just as she is...which isnt going to happen. I love LOVE way too much to turn into her, but i would love it if she gave me a chance to find love and enjoy it.
i cant describe it, but its been a great chance to vent. Suggestions would be helpful. Stay tuned for part 2: The Boy.

Is it too late to do some spring cleaning?

So i was just thinking and goin over some things in my blog and its so depressing. Granted i was goin through some things in my life but now im feeling just has pink as the layout so shoo fly bad, mea, sad, an hurtful posts from my past. Today will be somethin a lil better an fresher than the last...kinda like a house after spring cleaning and some fine tuning on an old car!

Just returned from the indoor/outdoor water park in Sevierville TN known as the "Wilderness in the smokies" so much fun! My rating is 5/5 stars! The rooms were remarkable! The staff were all extremely eager to answer any and all questions and offered assistance if necessary! I never felt the need to leave the hotel everything was just that damn good! I can wait to return! Hopefully soon too! Supposed to be taking a day trip to Huntsville soon for the space place there...its more so for my siblings and mom but ive never been to Huntsville so why not go for a getaway right? Ill just drop em off an seek out the nearest mall and do some sight seeing...that does sound rather appealing!!!!

oops...hold on...the dog has to pee...........

BACK! I finally got new glasses! hooray! now i can officially see in the dark at night while im driving. I have a little bit of a challenge seeing the lines on the road at night an the cars lights that shine behind my car are also a bit distracting but my new glasses fix the seeing the road issue and are also glare-free so itll be easier to see while bright lights are shining in from other cars. yayy for solutions!

My birthday is coming up. Im not askin for the world but id love to get a tattoo that my fam can know about and be accepted....its like tryin to convince the pope to do drugs. Some battles cannot be one but ill die tryin...lol

Going to get my hair chocolate brown again, pumped about, every girl looks good dipped in chocolate :) and on that note, i leave you. Enjoy your day!

WTH nothing since APRIL 1ST!

I cant believe its been this long since ive posted. Readers Digest version of whats been happening in my life is basically, my shit-hole house is still under construction...going on 5 months now. The guys are lazy an never at the house working when i stop by to check on progress. So were all staying at The Hell Inn also known as my grandparents where i sleep on a sofa because theyre arent enough bedrooms for the lot of us. Our three dogs get confined to two rooms because my dog is a lab and my grandparents are OCD. Uhh everything of mine is in storage exceppt all my shoes an about a months worth of clothes that i were over and over again....with my birthday comin up i will scream if i have to wear another damn outfit that ive been wearin for my frickin birthday!
On a better note i got a new car...an by new i mean to replace my baby that was totaled from some ghetto bitch. I hated living without a dependent ride of my own for 5months but i really got screwed on the whole thing...peep it: OLD CAR 200 dollar car note, 86k mileage, 2005. NEW CAR 250 dollar car note, 120k mileage, 2001, check engine light came onb week later, two fuses have already been replaced, i have to purchase 4 new tires asap because its terrible driving in the rain...hydroplane city. freelin screwed? I AM! An the bitch that hit me hasnt contributed a damn dime...
My love life is just a downward spiral of tragedy, forbidden love, fights,and maybe one day soon ill have to drink Juliet's poison because this is maddness. I love him,i really do, but am i supposed to? I just want to know the right decisions before i make em...haha is that too much to ask? Just maybe a sneak peek at the answer key before taking the test for life...
Schools gettin crazy...i do fear that everyones expecting a graduation soon but i really dont have the heart to tel them that i dont think itll be happening this year...theyll be so dissappointed to hear that i may need just one more year...an askin for that from them is a BIG deal. But nobody knows how hard it is...ill be the first college graduate in my family. Thats three generations! the pressure is on, yes but its a lot on my plate as well...i think im done ranting and whining.
YOURE BEAUTIFUL <3

I think of you on 2 occassions...

Thats when i want it...and thats when i need it...

Like Ive Never Been Hurt Before....

Im gonna love you like ive never been hurt before


Im gonna love you like im indestructible....





I just need love. Ill never lie an say i havent been hurt. Ive been hurt by my father who was never there, ive been hurt by my mother who is incapable of saying the three words that kids NEED to hear; "I love you". Ive been hurt by boys and even by myself...but no more. Im begining to realize that im worth the same respect i give out

Im tired of being a doormat. Im tired of bein used and givin 100% to people that shutter when i ask for 10% in return. Just like this car incident. I was in a wreck in December...i still have no car. And gettin rides is like pullin teeth!!! Not to mention when i had a car, i never left town with it but my grandparents took it several weekends on triops leaving me at home. When my moms car was in the shop, i let her drive mine around and i was the one gettin picked up an dropped off...so why is that nobody can get on the call to help me find a car?


I am a child of love. I believe in dreams coming true, in fairytales, in happy endings, and in prince charmings, call me naive if youd like but its all i have to hold on to at night. The dream that myh prince charming is battling dfragons to get to me an i ownt disappoint him, im waiting for him. And when he gets here, nothin else in the world will matter but the two of us. I need him to fill all my senses. I want to feel his arms around me, smell him against me, hear his "i love you's", see his smile at me,and taste his kiss.
That sounds lovely doesnt it?
...

Im so effin over it...

Terrance whathisface fatass....you annoy me
you come to my house while im having construction done and belittle and disrespect the men to make yourself feel big and important, when in actuality the only big thing about you is your mouth, stomach and ass! You look like a fool, please shut your mouth. I hated you ever since our families decided to go out to eat and you made us leave because you said it was too expensive...it was frickin O'Charleys...if you couldnt afford your meal then maybe you shouldve declined the invite...because we dont consider McDonalds a family restaurant. So shoo fly you broke BITCH!
Sam David...you annoy me
just because i loved you for 5yrs it doesnt give you the right to walk all over me anytime you want. I tried so hard to always be there for you, even after the break up and it still isnt enough or you. You still put everyone before me, even when im at my lowest and need you. You say lets hang...ive go so much more goin on in my life an i move things around constantly and yet you STILL cant seem to have the time of day for me. I guess i try to hold on to somethings because well hell, we were best friends before we dated and i always assumed we wouldnt let anything wreck our friendship, that was a key element when we made the big decision to date...an now look at us...well you know what...im movin on w ir w out you, if you dont wanna be my friend then hit the road jack...cuz youre an ASS!
Karyn, Moms, Norah, Cissy (whatever you want to be called)...you annoy me
You are always counting on me to give up my life an drop everythin to help better yours. In highschool i couldnt hang out afterwards or join any clubs because i had to be home to get my brother and sister from the bus. I couldnt attend study groups for my AP tests because i had to be home w the kids. And even now, youre still taking over. I work til 7, and made movie plans at 9, you just told me that i have to do my sisters Science Fair Project thats due tomorrow...she had months to do it and w no responsibility it should be done. So that means i may get home at 11 an then have to tend to someone else's school work...or either forfeit my movie pass to do her work...Not only is it last minute but i remember staying up all night last year to do it and not once did i hear a "Thank You"...I wont be here forever and you cant constantly always depend one me...GET YOUR OWN LIFE AND QUIT INTERFERING W MINE! and i cant even get over your idea of the "perfect child" for you to sit here and say that i hope my grabdchildren are mixed and not all black so they can compete in the toddlers and tiaras is ridiculous...and extremely hurtful. I must admit that hearing you sayin that time and time again...is probably whats wrong w the way i see myself. Because im all black. But i love my black. I think my skin is a pretty creamy milk chocolate color. Its delicious. i love mixing it w creamy ivory colors, i make strawberry red look yummy and i can make a pink, salmon and coral blush when theyre against my skin....one day youll be able to see more than skin. Until then...FUCK YOU!

Id give my soul to look like....

Total intake today (1:35p) 180...a luna bar
got class, then work
maybe another luna bar for dinner....
rough day yesterday
i binged, i purged, i cried, i cut, i worked, i came home, i cried, i popped a few sleepin pills an woke at nine this morning. Cant have a repeat today....
Gotta think positive and just simply focus.
Im not hungry
Im not hungry
Im not hungry
Im not hungry
Im not hungry
Im not hungry
Im not hungryI just wanna be perfect...

Dance in the Dark...Lady G

Baby loves to dance in the dark

Cuz when he's lookin she falls apart

Baby loves to dance...

loves to dance in the dark

Work your blonde (Jean) Benet Ramsey
We’ll haunt like liberace
Find your freedom in the music
Find your jesus
Find your kubrick
You will never fall apart
Diana, you’re still in our hearts
Never let you fall apart
Together we’ll dance in the dark

Baby i was born this way...

I'm beautiful in my way,
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

~Lady Gaga

when i close my eyes---this is what i see

Sunset, daises, sunflowers, coffee shops, empty beaches, wind through my hair, the smell of fresh baking bread, marshmellow (excluding and including my dog), warmth from the sun, love making at sunrise, foggy rooms, jazz in the background, and slow dancing til the sun comes up...