Ouch! That hurt...

SOOO i apologize if im preparing for the worst already...for heavens sake i JUST turned 20. What are your views on plastic surgery? A lot of stars use it...females an males. I'd loooove to have fat sucked out of my tummy, botox for my face and lip augmentation. I am black and i dont have thin lips BUT maybe if i just get a lil in my upper lip i could have that sexy lil pout, ya know? I think it's cute...and of course i just adore Janice Dickens lips. HOT! HOT! HOT! What age should i begin getting these? I want my lips done like now...but for botox? I want a boob reduction too. Most people dont think there is much to reduce and i agree that for my height an size my boobs fit me perfectly...BUT my personal opinion is that id like em smaller. Im 5'7, 145, with 36C cups. I dont wanna go double A cups ya know buuuut B's would be hot! Any thoughts??

Idk why im so stressed about this matter. Is society to be blamed or my family for not attackin my insecurities head on? I know in my family...i danced all my life an took a year off sophmore year of college. I'm still active but i went from dancing 6 days a week to nothing but dog walking and ocassional bike riding. I can honestly say that within that year my weight stayed within 10 pounds of what i always weighed...but my muscles dimensished and i wasnt as toned. My family noticed and it was pointed out EVERYTIME we were all together. Some even joked about it...I hated that. I still do.

I know that most people are like ummmmm CHILL OUT YOURE ONLY 20!!! This is my reasoning: My maternal side of the family are absolutely beautiful people. My great grandpa's sister died at 98 with beautiful olive toned skin and loooong silky dark gray hair. My great grandpa passed away at 96 the same and my grandma is in her 60's and has beautiful skin and hair, it was passed down to my mom and my younger sister. Unfortunately i went more after my paternal side...rather less attractive people. Is it too soon to be preparing for my inevitable fate of againg? Do i wait til its too late??? Or begin now??

Any thoughts? Would you consider tryin to beat father time? Or prefer to grow old? Know what age should plastic surgery be considered? Know anyone that has had it? Have you??

Toto i dont think were in Kansas anymore...

I think its finally hit me that im growing into adulthood. Im not sure if i like it all that much. This weekend i had the house to myself and i felt extremely mature. I was in the house an fed before midnight, did some light cleaning then in bed by 12:30am. Of course my fam was spazing about me bein alone but i survived. My cell was turned off today...my mom usually pays it but i guess money is running low. Not having a steady income sucks. I used everything in my bacnk account to have it turned on TEMPORARILY! Everything is 45 dollars...an i still owe 51...ughh! How do you cope with the transition between childhood and adulthood? Especially when youve been sheilded from it all your life an someones cuttin it off cold turkey. I dnot mind workin either...i do mind uniforms and bad smellig jobs so that cuts out fast food. I like clothing stores...i applied to work at Justice. Not a lot of places near me...i would love a little boutique job...i could be a great coyote at our coyote ugly club but im not old enough. Hooters? I dont want to be tied to negative sterotypes about hooters girls not to mentin the pressure and looks id get from my family which treat it almost as stripping. I have been an escort girl once..an that was easy money, BUT the guy i went out with paid me for a reason. He was grossly large an sweated non-stop. I felt like people that saw us together thought i was some kind of whore and that was far from the truth. I was always worried id run into friends, family or friends of the family. I have real skills too though! I can type, i can watch kids! I can teach dance! Arghh...i dont wanna grow up. :(

ThInspIratIon!

my MOM is sooo annoying!!!

Before i begin this terrible rant i hope that everyone is doing well :) It's almost Nutcracker time and my Saturdays consist of rehearsal from sun up to sun down...do you know what 6 hours in pointe shoes does to someone's poor lil piggy toes? DEATH! lol My dieting is NOT workin...any suggestions? I gotta get smaller for my role as arabian...i wear a two piece and dont want to have blubber while im dancing. It's sure to be a really good production! So everyone should come see it an enjoy the holiday magic! :)
Now for my rant....it's not even legite. She woke me up at like EARLY to complain that im practically a waste a space an that she doesnt like me...an im too tired to even care wtf she's sayin. I dont argue back because i feel like then id be goin on her level...I like to write poems to express my feelinngs an the many things i had to go through as a child thats she's put me through...she read them an took offense. I just dont understand how she can take away all my free time with HER children an now i've lost my freedom of speech. This whole house and all her rules are BULLSHIT! Cross your fingers that i can get a job and a dorm next semester so that ill NEVER have to be home or around her and her damn children. I love my siblings to death an i'd do anything for them but this is just ridiculous!

it's been ages!!

Hello all!!
Its been ages...a storm breezed through an it took FOREVER for comcast to come fix my wifi. Nothing new has changed. Its gettin close to Nutcracker time an i must say im pumped!! I just got my castin and i will be dancing the roles of the Snow Queen and the Arabian :) i also may be replacing a flower girl that we lost :(
:D of course lucky for me i <3 flower!!!
My ex an i are friendly...not as close as i wanna be but im sure ill work on it. He asked me to come stay a weekend with him an without sounding over the top enthusiastic i accepted his invitation...but now that nutcracker has began idk when ill have the time. But hes pretty patient. Dieting is goin sucky lol i keep puttin off what i can do today tomorrow an then tomorrow never gets done. I met a guy who has a looove for nail polish an he's totally gettin me into it...idk if he has a weird fettish or not BUT its uber fun painting my nails. Right now they are a beautiful red color. Next i iwanna try a warm yellow. If anyone is interested in a warm yellow color search for OPI Banana Bandana. Its absolutely divine!!!
I was watchin tv about a woman who writes about the annoying thing that her husband does. I got a good chuckle from it. My fam has been annoying me lately...i decided i should write down everything they do that bugs me an fit it all in my next post. I guarentee you all will get a good chuckle. I also decided its time i get a job. I dont have much skills though...any suggestions? I wanna do somethin fun. An i dont pay bills so i dont need to make a fat load of cash. I looked it to bar jobs but im not old enough...gah i hate sayin that...but i bet when i get old im gon miss sayin it to all my friends an ill start sayin im too old for that...ughh i shutter at the though. So im thinkin bout bein a hooter's girl. I just dont wanna get sucked into stereotypes, i know my family wont approve but the way i see it....heyy! I finally have my own gas money lol. Still expectin to transfer schools in the spring so i can hurry the hell up an move out for good.
Thats all thats on my mind. Later!!!
Look at this beautiful pic...with all the rain we've been gettin its safe to say winter is rapidly approachin. This picture makes me feel warm inside as i mentally prepare for the change in the weather... :)
PSSS!!!! I went to a fab dinner party the other night for a friends birthday....i posted the pic :)

Body language

School starts soon! Im excited! No more fuckin up! My heads on right and im ready to move on to the next thing so ive gotta get through this first! I need a healthy diet now though. Im back dancing an although im what most consider slim i need to lose weight or atleast tone up, ya know? Ill post a pic of my size now an after a hard few months of dieting and workin out ill post my AFTER pic. Wish me luck!! I wish i had more to say...nothin really has been going on in my life. I havent been out to do much! I do want to leave you all with poetry to show my feelings about my body. Tootles! May everyone have a greeeaaaat week! hugs an kisses! Love you all!

LYING ON MY BACK...
I like it when I lie on my back
I start by running my hand
Over the stomach I lack
That will reappear when I stand

I enjoy seeing my pelvis protrude
And the defined xylophone stack
Of my ribs under skin when I'm nude
But only when I Iie on my back

When I lie on my back it is bliss
I do not see myself in full
Why cannot I always be this
Thin, flawless and beautiful?
by: unknown

"Why does love always feel like a Battlefield?"

How is everyone? Peaceful i do hope.
Where tostart...its been a while. My birthday has come an gone...another year. Geez i do feel like im gettin old. I had a very sweet an simple dinner amongst a few intimate friends an then celebrated downtown. I asked my ex to join us...he declined. Oh how i do miss an love that boy. I just wish i could forget about him like he's clearly done to me. We went to see a movie together the other night in fact.... It wasnt too akward. It was the first time in my entire life that i had to pay for a movie. I didnt know how expensive they were either! Boy, the lost of living is sky rocketting, eh? I could blog all day about this boy...his touch, his smell, his eyes, his kiss. I just need help gettin over him.
So one of my favorite movies is FACTORY GIRL an its a tale of andy warhol's muse an close companion Edie Sedgwick. I've seen the movie numerous times an instantly fell in love with Sienna Miller's character; Edie Sedwick. When i hear how she was described by those that knew her before she passed it all sounds like me. Edie was very socialable, friendly, craved to be loved, an wanted to love. Ofcourse the qualities also caused her downfall...but i cant help but envy her life, an want to be her. Things have been goin so shitty for my lately. Ive picked back up a bad habit, smoking. I even feel like i've put on weight. An that scares me. I don't want to do anything ill regret to loose it but i do need to fast for a day an then begin binge eating.
School starts pretty soon. I've got all my classes ready to begin next Monday. Im goin to do extremely well so that i may transfer schools, graduate an move away from my family. I blame a LOT of my insecurities an views of things on them. I need to break free. I also feel that my place would be a safe haven for my siblings. My moms anger rages have left physical bruises on us quite often but the ones that are left on the inside i dont believe will ever go away, but breaking free will be the only way they can begin to heal. I missed a lot of school growing up because i was 'sick'...which was short for i had a bruise that ouldn't be covered so i stayed home from school. When i was away for school i felt so guilty everytime my siblings would text me what mom was doing to them. I felt that if i was there i could protect them an take the reprecussions myself. But now i can...an once i get away they'll be old enough to come stay with me whenever they want. SPEND THE WHOLE SUMMER WITH ME if they want an we'll have fun like a REAL family.
After 20 years the man that helped conceive my existence is back in my life. TECHNICALLY he's not in MY life...more so after my mom. I just come along with the package. I dont know how i feel bout it. I want my mom tobe happy because no matter what hell she's put us through...she's my mom. I also dont want him to get away with leaving her to raise a child all alone without any help or contact for 20 years.I feel like she's lettin him off too easy so im puttin up twice the guard for my self an her lack of one. He comes over an stays all night talkin an laughin with her an doesn't even acknowledge his own flesh an blood waltzing around the house.
I think i've vented enough...postin pictures of Edie Sedgwick soon. xoxo