We'll Be Young Forever!!!!

Today im feelin really great. No breakfast. Two bites of broccoli cheddar soup for lunch, an probably a few more bites for supper. I had a great time hangin w my friends for lunch an we were so chatty an giggly nobody noticed what little i ate...i like that! I rode on a motorcycle today too! I was terrified, but it felt great. I dont have to work so im goin to start on some homework that isnt due til Tuesday and then later i might go see a sneak preview movie w a really good friend of mine. NOT TO MENTION THE WEATHER IS SO DAMN NICE! Low 70's in November....im lovin it. It could be low 80's but i wont mess w a good thing :)
Been cravin ciggs....ont cuz i personally really need them but because they are a key factor to kickin my appetite to the curb. I havent caved on buying any but only because i made a big deal about someone else quitting an i dont want to seem like a total hypocrit...
A friend today that i hadnt seen in years was like whoa! you look great, she didnt know i had gon veg an i was like yeah....still fat as ever but hearing them complain bout their bellys then when they raised their tops up to show me i was happy for them to be admiring mine. Im working hard to shed some pounds an i need all the motivation i can get, an seeing their tummies did it for me! but on the scary part i do need to go purchase a cute scale...hmmmm from where idk yet.
Stay strong, think thin....
"You can never be too thin...or too rich!"

just a few pretty things

Sometimes i just think life is too much

It would all be so much easier if i was thin...


Or maybe if i could break away an leave it all behind...


When im all alone i think up terrible things...


about how imperfect i am...


an no matter how hard i try to conform...


but i always feel as if im on the outside lookin in...


an then i come to realize...ill never be like anyone else...


ill always stand out...


its hard to be full of life...


when your dead inside.

Gotta FAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ive been so happy and lost my concentration. ughh!
now im beginning to see that all i have is me and im going to get serious again.
so here i go, i will begin fasting at midnight. Sundays are always so busy for me so no eating shall be pretty easy... Ive been so depressed but secretly. I wanna be thin more than anything. An ill do whatever it takes to accomplish that.....

"I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can’t quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death."
— Marya Hornbacher

"I cant stop think i dont exist. But i exist so much it fucking hurts"
- Sasha Suarez

"The word fat assumed a meaning as deadly as cancer. Getting fat was worse than losing your job, worse than being jilted at the altar, worse than living in a trailer park and growing up without shoes. You need to start watching yourself, my Mom said, before it´s too late."
- Unknown

*"I have a rule when I weigh myself; if I've gained, I starve for the rest of the day. But if I've lost, I starve too."
- Unknown

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels
- Unknown

No price is too high to be thin...the sky's the limit...

He ate my heart....

THAT BOT IS A MONSTER!!!
he ate my heart
and yet it amazes me
We got into a fight
over nothing at all (to be honest)
he's somekind of wolf in disguise
besides bein completely LOCO
i dont think callin me cold hearted was necessary, do you?
lol its not like i havent heard it before though
ive been hurt one too many times
and now i know how to manage my emotions
some might find it unhealthy but its all i know
and that is, to not have any at all
The last guy walkin out on me....after my father of course
i loved him. i REALLY loved him. an he left me
no matter how many times i pleaded...oh gah how i pleaded
i promised i would never do that to myself again
walls are up, even when my guards appear to be down, they wont ever be down
so now im alone, and if thats how he wants it then thats how it will be.
no more cryin over stupid ass men that cant make up their mind
or that somehow believe im a play toy....because i am not
so excuse me for not runnin after you beggin to stay w me.
an dont you dare blame it all on me like...well you didnt come after me, so you didnt want me....
what logic is that?!
if yo uwanted me you wouldve done whatev it took!!!! not just walked out
cuz thats the easy part....youve proved you can do that already
i wanted you to prove that you could stay an tough it out
because THAT, anthony is what makes a relationship!
so the best of luck to you finding someone that can care about you the way i did.
im over it, im over you an your drama queen temper tantrums, im over guys period. all i need are my degrees, money an kids, an guess what....i dont even need you for that :)
so farewell, partin is such sweet sorrow
one more thing.................................................................

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKIN STUPID GAY ASS PRICK!
:) tootles

I just wish i could disappear into myself...

I wanna close my eyes an wish i wasnt here. Or be so light that ill blow away with the wind...sometimes i just wanna close my eyes and see if i can disappear...

really fast ventage.......

i just wanna fly away sometimes



gosh im such a goober. i dont have a lot of time to make anything oerfect and make sense but i will say that im holding so many things inside that i could just burst. I was driving to work this morning an couldnt help but imagine rollin all my windows down, blasting Freshman by who knows who an closing my eyes just driving. Feeling so free and not having a care in the world what happens to me, if i live or die.



I needed to scream at the sky today. I needed to yell an bang my head over an over again til i couldnt feel any pain anymore. Pain from you, pain from me, pain from my family and friends....pain that was placed on me.I just wanna be free....some girl he fucked totally walked over while we were out togetehr last night an one...i would never have that much disrespect for anyone to do that and two i would have more respect for my man that id introduce him an be liek yeah this is my baby....he didnt an it was the second time he had embarassed me. I dont wanna argue so i didnt bring it up but speaking to two guys that really know me were surprised i didnt leave his ass there last night so they could spend the whole night together. Gah, my whole day ive been wearing a mask smiling when inside im being shredded apart. Im done bein walked over, if i cant get some kind of control over my love life then i need to take it out on my body. Im goin on a fast. I can do this an i will. Its gonna be a whole new me.....still feel shitty.

Oink Oink!

As i sit here at work i put my knees in the chair w me. I can feel that i cant fit comfortably because of my enormous gut bubbling over. Its quite gross an makes me just wanna DIE!I hate that im so porky. My bestfriend is staying the summer w me an i look her w so much self control an it makes me hate myself even more. My boyfriend gets back in town tomorrow from his two week trainiing and he's gonna be just as disguisted w my body as i am. Its so fuckin gross. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my lack of concentration. I hate food. I hate that i dont have any conrtol. I need to find an out. A way out of this misery. A way out of this fat that im sinking in. A way out of this body an into a slimmer, thinner one. Gah...

the truth...

He is the truth, he is so real. An I loooove the way, that he makes me feel. An if I am a reflection of him, then I must be fly, cuz his life shines so bright....i wonder does he know.

whew, I do believe the love bug has found me again an bit me hard! This man is a lil bit of everythin wrapped an delivered to yours truly, me. He is smart, sensitive, funny, loves his family, respects his mom, an Is very hard workin and determined. An best of all, he loves me...we have our spats like every other couple but I wouldn't trade our bad times for good ones w anyone else ever! Anthony Wilson...i love you babe. <3

Do me good, and ill treat you right...

Tonight im turning my phone off
ill be with my baby and he's the boss
when i get there he'll hug me gently
but once were alone he'll give me his love so sweetly
I can already feel our bodies pressed together
an i always long to hold him forever
Do me good, and ill treat you right...
Do me good baby, all night.



As he holds back my head an kiss my lips
his hands will creep their way down to rest upon my hips
I love to squeeze him as were cheek to cheek
and he'll kiss my neck makin me go weak
ill run my fingers under his shirt
i have to smile cuz im such a flirt
Do me good, and ill treat you right...
Do me good baby, all night.



I know then ill feel him rise
he knows I want it from the look in my eyes
we always make sure to grab protection
this is much more than a sexual connection
I am his an he is mine
our love will withstand for all time
do me good an I'll treat you right
do me good baby, all night...

There goes my baaaaaaaaby!

He says i remind him of Usher's new song
There goes my baby, the words aren't wrong
I am his and he is mine
our love connection didnt waste any time
His arms, his lips, his tongue and all
makes me shiver cuz im not one to fall--
in love so fast it cannot be
i look at my smiling reflection thinkin "DAMN THATS ME!"
Im loved and lovin him could this be a dream?
i know him inside an out this isn't a scheme.
An when i lay in his arms at night
I make him promise to hold me forever tight
Ill say it loud, proud and over again...
He is my man, lover and best friend

So every night before i lay
i thank God for this man he made
Once he was given the air to breathe
he traveled along his path, and ran into me
and ever since that fate filled day
weve been in love; forever an always...

Brushin my teeth with a bottle of Jack...!!!!

So my guy an I are doin good. A problem that ive run into in past relationships is that i get bored...or they just get dull. Were havin that mini problem now...he doesnt notice anything but i do...
Im still bigger than ever...i almost wanna do a liquid fast but i want to look online for other fasting options, my hun leaves town this weekend so i think its a perfect time to fast maybe start Thursday an go til Sunday when he returns.
Ive been textin a guy that got my number from a mutual friend. They both want to have a threesome with me....CRAZY!!! Im not down for that at all but he's fun to text lol for entertainment when im bored.
Ive been hangin with this guy i work for, he's a total sweetie. He plays guitar, piano, drums, mandalinjob and interns at a recording studio. He cooks, his place is clean, an he's got great style. He thinks im gorgeous hahaha an he's def a cutie! Sooo i cant help but want to eff him this weekend while my boy is outta town for basic training....ill think on it.
My car was broken in too....all my shit is taken. I was sad then pissed now i just have no hope for mankind anymore. Its ridiculous the stupid shit people feel like they need to steal...my backpack? My dancebag with my smelly shoes? My make up...? Can we say unsanitary? They did take my car charger, my ipod an gps though...ughhh...i do hope they get what they deserve but id much rather prefer to SEE to it myself!
Life's a bitch.
Tootles!

To Eat or Not to Eat...? Thats the question!

So I have gon veg an thats great! I feel great, but not thin. So im not sure what else to do!!!! Im pretty sure i need to fast but ive got to do it when i dont have a lot goin on because while im teaching and dancing, if i dont eat then i get way too dizzy and its not good. I heard of a detox that i could go on an its helpful with sheddin a pound or two...but im just not so sure yet. I wanna lose atleast 10 pounds an then tone up, ugggh decisions!