one day...

One day ill fly away
leave all this to yesterday
what more can your love do for me?
when will love be through with me?
why live life from dream to dream?
and back where im still dreaming....?

I want to fly away from my gross fat on my body
its disguisting.
i cant even wear a dress to work an feel comfortable with myself.
i want to be sooo thin that i lose my period...
is that too much to ask?
an i dont know hway i get so frustrated with the world...
its my own fault.
im not strong enough to say no to food
im not strong enough to stick a finger down my throat when i need to
dont question my determination
i wanna be skinny more than anything
an its not that i need the motivation
im not an ugly girl an i cant get one guy to like me for me
nobody wants to be fat an lonely all their lives...
especially not me
i know my prince charming is out there....maybe he's just waitin on a skinnier damsel in distress
no prince can carry a lard ass from a castle.....its just doenst look good....
i need to be this hard on myself....
postin thinspo to help my shitty mood...
Goodnight! xoxoxo E

Dear Santa....

Lately I havent had much of an appetite. I love it!

The guy that i spoke of in the last post, its over, his girl started stalking me an it was way too stressful an i had to tell them both off. Now I'm feeling two other guys. Geez...i wish it could all be easier...

Christmas is coming an im terribly sad that i dont have enough money to give my little angel off the angel tree a bright christmas...i dont even have enough to give my siblings anything. I might have to go back to doing things that im not too proud of to make money but only for the holidays of course....nothin ILLEGAL! I do want to ask Santa for one thing this christmas...to be skinny. Im detremined more than anything to lose weight...after seeing all the pics from Nutcracker i felt i look absolutely disguisting....ill post a pic but its gross.....I NEED to lose this weight. I want people to ask "hey have you lost weight" i would love to hear "Do you eat? Youre getting too thin" but i know thatll take some time......I want to fall in love an find someone to truly love me but i need to love myself before i can begin to expect someone else to love me so that is my christmas wish.......Happy Holidays everyone! Talk to you all soon!! :)

bah humbug!

Its been forever since ive been on...im sorry for that. Ive been workin soo hard to get into a school an TAH DAH! its paid off! Ill be attending a university next spring semester! Im excited, im half way there an its time for me to crack my own whip an get outta town an start my own life far away from here. To touch bases from my last post, I havent gotten a tattoo because i simply have to wait until i am done dancing in the nutcracker. My lip is not peirced because i have a new job an its not the kinda place that welcomes peircings. I'm still a hopeless romantic waiting for my prince charmin, im done with both guys i was speakin of but i did happen to relight an old flame. Of course there is always a down fall when somethin good happens to me...he's taken. I spent the most romantic evening with him and he's taken. Im not goin to be his chick on the side or share him so he's gotta choose...me or her. I havent spoken to him since before the holiday no really by choice but honestly because idk how to confront him on th sibject matter. My ex says i should just give up on the search but i wanna meet my prince half way dont i? Anyways, ive fallen off task with the dieting. I start the ABC diet tomorrow, cross your fingers.

im so stuffed i could vomit cotton!

so i want a tattoo darling....what should i get? I want somethin sweet written in cursive...but my torso is sooo short it wont look as good but the small quotes that ive come across are:

"alis volat piopiis" - she flies by her own wings

Annnnd since im named after a bird i think it fits....with a pic of a bird! I also want my lip peirced!

This is sooo jumbled, i wanted to blog about bein sooo love sick. I want love to happen so bad, an i know its nothin i can rush, i met a guy an he likes me an he calls me his girl but i like a guy in another state an we text an talk nonstop an he too calls me his girl but were hours apart...so idk what to do. And as everyone knows im still madly in love with an ex that isnt feeling the same way. Its been three years so dont tell me to just let go because ive been trying! Its soooo hard an im just a big pooey mess........ughh. Im goin to dinner an a movie with the first guy i mentioned, but no doubt ill be texting the second one while im with him an of course thinking about my ex. Complicated this is...Tootles! Sweet dreams...

when the stars go bllllllluuuuuueeeee...

I dont have anything to say really...i just wanna express some thoughts :)

I love the song 'When the stars go Blue'

Dancin when the stars go blue
dancin when the evening fell

dancin in your wooden shoes

in a weddin gown...
Dancin out on 7th street
dancin through the underground

dancin with the marionette

are you happy now...?

I love that song! I try to sing it all the time, even though im no good at singing.

Im sitting in front of the heater right now...it feels gooooood :)

i hope everyone is having abrilliant day! I am!

I hope everyone enjoyed this post.

I hope it warmed your day an made you smile...it made me smile.

Tootles! <3

fuuuuuuuuudge....

not much to say.....
ive been fasting for two days an i fucked up today
im pissed at myself
long story short... i ate:


The guy im talking to doesnt understand the way i feel when i freak out over food and eating so weve been:



I just wanna be:

Today for YOU, tomorrow ME!!

SOOOO hello all! I fasted all day! Yayy me!

My job search ended sucessfully!

I now work at.....(drum roll please!)

*DRRRUUUMMMMSSSS*

I know my fam will hate it because of it being a 'sex shop'

I havent told them yet and im quite afraid to.

The way i see it is holidays are right around the corner an i need money for gifts...

Does that sound like a worthy arguement?

Im gonna have to try it...money is money

Im not workin here for sex tips, pornos, or anything of that matter...

Ive applied everywhere an they LOVE me!

They wanna make the place look more professional and i reckon thats ME :)

IM EXCITED!

So, next to attck on my list is a topic everyone knows i LOVE....

MEN!

I love men!I order em like coffee; tall, mocha with sugar and cream of course hahaha and the ones that know how to stick a straw in are def keepers...

But what happens if they arent tall? Yikes! Im 5"7. I like em tall or not at all. Im beginning to think my standards are based simply on society and not on what counts, like how much he'll love me and how honest and faithful our relationship will be.

I met a guy...i think he's sweet. He's waaaay shorter than I am. He's older, He's about to graduate an go after his masters, he has a job his own car and his own house...But i just don't know...i cant get over his height and being seen in public with him. Im afraid of introducing him to my friends because he is geeky looking...not attractive at all. I love it when he texts me though an i love it when he...inserts the straw hahaha. Idk if he's my prine charming just yet though.....hmmmm....

lets go PINK!

It's breast cancer awareness month ladies! Its time we step and reclaim our boobies and fight off breast cancer. Ive lost two family relatives to cancer and one to breast cancer...dont think youre excluded men. EVERYONE should be checked regularly for breast cancer...i want to show my support by blogging and spreading some vital information! Please...post why you want to fight breast cancer...or if you know anyone battling it now...or if you simple lost a loved one to it. Let us know and let us support you and your fight! Here are some little facts about breast cancer...
Breast cancer is the most common cancer in women in the United States, aside from skin cancer. According to the American Cancer Society (ACS), an estimated 192,370 new cases of invasive breast cancer are expected to be diagnosed among women in the United States this year. An estimated 40,170 women are expected to die from the disease in 2009 alone. Today, there are about 2.5 million breast cancer survivors living in the United States.
Breast cancer is a malignant tumor that grows in one or both of the breasts. Breast cancer usually develops in the ducts or lobules, also known as the milk-producing areas of the breast.

All of this information and more can be found at: http://www.nbcam.org/patient_newly_diagnosed.cfm

R.I.P. pat dave and fred tindall

Easy like Sunday Mooooornings....

So! Today wasn't a terrible day :)
A friend and I are on a pretty strict diet for the next two weeks....my first day i bombed. She did well but i didnt tell her i cracked because i already feel the pressure an grossness of myself to be mad at me enough for the both of us. I am makin up for it though...tonight ill do like millions of tummy work outs an tomorrow im walkin my dogs sooo much cuz i bought a step counter an theyll be beggin for me to take em home...just depends on if mother nature will be kind to us. My body aches from all day rehearsals Saturday. It was a rough one but i made it through...barely. I felt like a gross lard of blubber and that why i was extremely enthusiastic about this diet and i blew it too...Tomorrow im on it. Im only eating one meal...everything else will be water and an apple. It simply has to be. Im quite tired...im listening to John Mayer's City Love...check it its fabu! Goodnight!! Sweet Dreams :))

the memoirs of the eveil stepmothers stepdaughter...

mi madre es un total
I know weve all seen the movie cinderella and how the evil stepmom treats her and how she makes a brave escape to her prince charming. Back to reality...what happens when there is no castle over the hill and just down the street...? What happens if prince charming is the bus boy two towns over? Or the drunk that hangs around the liqour store?? What if when we do get married we dont last happily ever after...? Or i begin working late and come home to find another woman? Or worse...I get so tired of thr fightin and i leave.....an never return? And the big secret of this whole fairytale nightmare is that the evil sttepmother is actually my mother. I dont like to say mom because thats too warm...and there is nothin warm about this woman.

What to do? What to do? I usually try to blog a day or two apart but i seriously just cant take it anymore. I told her that id like to volunteer for the big brother big sister program...she laughed an said youve got two younger siblings. DUH!! I have her children EVERYDAY! But she mad mouths me everytime she opens her mouth that they dont respect me at all...i ask them to do things i wanna have fun with them and its like im a big joke. They dont come to me with homework and ive actually heard my brother say ask her and my sister looked over at me and kinda brushed it off and said...uhh id rather have your help. Im not in a dorm and the witch never lets me hear the end of it!!!
When my mom was my gae she was runnin around sleepin with her boyfriend...also known as the man whose sperm helped make me. He wasnt much of a father so i call him by his first name...side story...when i was in 8th grade my mom finally took him to court for child support...i didnt know who he was until our case was called up. I hadnt seen him before seein as how he ran out on our family right after my birth. ANNNNNNND were back...so my mom messed up an had to come back home too, just as i did...except she came home with a baby. i didnt...my abuela has informed me that she didnt nag my mom about the past, she just helped her create a better future...great advice i wish my mom could live by...enough naggin...i just want someone to care. The end.

Ouch! That hurt...

SOOO i apologize if im preparing for the worst already...for heavens sake i JUST turned 20. What are your views on plastic surgery? A lot of stars use it...females an males. I'd loooove to have fat sucked out of my tummy, botox for my face and lip augmentation. I am black and i dont have thin lips BUT maybe if i just get a lil in my upper lip i could have that sexy lil pout, ya know? I think it's cute...and of course i just adore Janice Dickens lips. HOT! HOT! HOT! What age should i begin getting these? I want my lips done like now...but for botox? I want a boob reduction too. Most people dont think there is much to reduce and i agree that for my height an size my boobs fit me perfectly...BUT my personal opinion is that id like em smaller. Im 5'7, 145, with 36C cups. I dont wanna go double A cups ya know buuuut B's would be hot! Any thoughts??

Idk why im so stressed about this matter. Is society to be blamed or my family for not attackin my insecurities head on? I know in my family...i danced all my life an took a year off sophmore year of college. I'm still active but i went from dancing 6 days a week to nothing but dog walking and ocassional bike riding. I can honestly say that within that year my weight stayed within 10 pounds of what i always weighed...but my muscles dimensished and i wasnt as toned. My family noticed and it was pointed out EVERYTIME we were all together. Some even joked about it...I hated that. I still do.

I know that most people are like ummmmm CHILL OUT YOURE ONLY 20!!! This is my reasoning: My maternal side of the family are absolutely beautiful people. My great grandpa's sister died at 98 with beautiful olive toned skin and loooong silky dark gray hair. My great grandpa passed away at 96 the same and my grandma is in her 60's and has beautiful skin and hair, it was passed down to my mom and my younger sister. Unfortunately i went more after my paternal side...rather less attractive people. Is it too soon to be preparing for my inevitable fate of againg? Do i wait til its too late??? Or begin now??

Any thoughts? Would you consider tryin to beat father time? Or prefer to grow old? Know what age should plastic surgery be considered? Know anyone that has had it? Have you??

Toto i dont think were in Kansas anymore...

I think its finally hit me that im growing into adulthood. Im not sure if i like it all that much. This weekend i had the house to myself and i felt extremely mature. I was in the house an fed before midnight, did some light cleaning then in bed by 12:30am. Of course my fam was spazing about me bein alone but i survived. My cell was turned off today...my mom usually pays it but i guess money is running low. Not having a steady income sucks. I used everything in my bacnk account to have it turned on TEMPORARILY! Everything is 45 dollars...an i still owe 51...ughh! How do you cope with the transition between childhood and adulthood? Especially when youve been sheilded from it all your life an someones cuttin it off cold turkey. I dnot mind workin either...i do mind uniforms and bad smellig jobs so that cuts out fast food. I like clothing stores...i applied to work at Justice. Not a lot of places near me...i would love a little boutique job...i could be a great coyote at our coyote ugly club but im not old enough. Hooters? I dont want to be tied to negative sterotypes about hooters girls not to mentin the pressure and looks id get from my family which treat it almost as stripping. I have been an escort girl once..an that was easy money, BUT the guy i went out with paid me for a reason. He was grossly large an sweated non-stop. I felt like people that saw us together thought i was some kind of whore and that was far from the truth. I was always worried id run into friends, family or friends of the family. I have real skills too though! I can type, i can watch kids! I can teach dance! Arghh...i dont wanna grow up. :(

ThInspIratIon!

my MOM is sooo annoying!!!

Before i begin this terrible rant i hope that everyone is doing well :) It's almost Nutcracker time and my Saturdays consist of rehearsal from sun up to sun down...do you know what 6 hours in pointe shoes does to someone's poor lil piggy toes? DEATH! lol My dieting is NOT workin...any suggestions? I gotta get smaller for my role as arabian...i wear a two piece and dont want to have blubber while im dancing. It's sure to be a really good production! So everyone should come see it an enjoy the holiday magic! :)
Now for my rant....it's not even legite. She woke me up at like EARLY to complain that im practically a waste a space an that she doesnt like me...an im too tired to even care wtf she's sayin. I dont argue back because i feel like then id be goin on her level...I like to write poems to express my feelinngs an the many things i had to go through as a child thats she's put me through...she read them an took offense. I just dont understand how she can take away all my free time with HER children an now i've lost my freedom of speech. This whole house and all her rules are BULLSHIT! Cross your fingers that i can get a job and a dorm next semester so that ill NEVER have to be home or around her and her damn children. I love my siblings to death an i'd do anything for them but this is just ridiculous!

it's been ages!!

Hello all!!
Its been ages...a storm breezed through an it took FOREVER for comcast to come fix my wifi. Nothing new has changed. Its gettin close to Nutcracker time an i must say im pumped!! I just got my castin and i will be dancing the roles of the Snow Queen and the Arabian :) i also may be replacing a flower girl that we lost :(
:D of course lucky for me i <3 flower!!!
My ex an i are friendly...not as close as i wanna be but im sure ill work on it. He asked me to come stay a weekend with him an without sounding over the top enthusiastic i accepted his invitation...but now that nutcracker has began idk when ill have the time. But hes pretty patient. Dieting is goin sucky lol i keep puttin off what i can do today tomorrow an then tomorrow never gets done. I met a guy who has a looove for nail polish an he's totally gettin me into it...idk if he has a weird fettish or not BUT its uber fun painting my nails. Right now they are a beautiful red color. Next i iwanna try a warm yellow. If anyone is interested in a warm yellow color search for OPI Banana Bandana. Its absolutely divine!!!
I was watchin tv about a woman who writes about the annoying thing that her husband does. I got a good chuckle from it. My fam has been annoying me lately...i decided i should write down everything they do that bugs me an fit it all in my next post. I guarentee you all will get a good chuckle. I also decided its time i get a job. I dont have much skills though...any suggestions? I wanna do somethin fun. An i dont pay bills so i dont need to make a fat load of cash. I looked it to bar jobs but im not old enough...gah i hate sayin that...but i bet when i get old im gon miss sayin it to all my friends an ill start sayin im too old for that...ughh i shutter at the though. So im thinkin bout bein a hooter's girl. I just dont wanna get sucked into stereotypes, i know my family wont approve but the way i see it....heyy! I finally have my own gas money lol. Still expectin to transfer schools in the spring so i can hurry the hell up an move out for good.
Thats all thats on my mind. Later!!!
Look at this beautiful pic...with all the rain we've been gettin its safe to say winter is rapidly approachin. This picture makes me feel warm inside as i mentally prepare for the change in the weather... :)
PSSS!!!! I went to a fab dinner party the other night for a friends birthday....i posted the pic :)

Body language

School starts soon! Im excited! No more fuckin up! My heads on right and im ready to move on to the next thing so ive gotta get through this first! I need a healthy diet now though. Im back dancing an although im what most consider slim i need to lose weight or atleast tone up, ya know? Ill post a pic of my size now an after a hard few months of dieting and workin out ill post my AFTER pic. Wish me luck!! I wish i had more to say...nothin really has been going on in my life. I havent been out to do much! I do want to leave you all with poetry to show my feelings about my body. Tootles! May everyone have a greeeaaaat week! hugs an kisses! Love you all!

LYING ON MY BACK...
I like it when I lie on my back
I start by running my hand
Over the stomach I lack
That will reappear when I stand

I enjoy seeing my pelvis protrude
And the defined xylophone stack
Of my ribs under skin when I'm nude
But only when I Iie on my back

When I lie on my back it is bliss
I do not see myself in full
Why cannot I always be this
Thin, flawless and beautiful?
by: unknown

"Why does love always feel like a Battlefield?"

How is everyone? Peaceful i do hope.
Where tostart...its been a while. My birthday has come an gone...another year. Geez i do feel like im gettin old. I had a very sweet an simple dinner amongst a few intimate friends an then celebrated downtown. I asked my ex to join us...he declined. Oh how i do miss an love that boy. I just wish i could forget about him like he's clearly done to me. We went to see a movie together the other night in fact.... It wasnt too akward. It was the first time in my entire life that i had to pay for a movie. I didnt know how expensive they were either! Boy, the lost of living is sky rocketting, eh? I could blog all day about this boy...his touch, his smell, his eyes, his kiss. I just need help gettin over him.
So one of my favorite movies is FACTORY GIRL an its a tale of andy warhol's muse an close companion Edie Sedgwick. I've seen the movie numerous times an instantly fell in love with Sienna Miller's character; Edie Sedwick. When i hear how she was described by those that knew her before she passed it all sounds like me. Edie was very socialable, friendly, craved to be loved, an wanted to love. Ofcourse the qualities also caused her downfall...but i cant help but envy her life, an want to be her. Things have been goin so shitty for my lately. Ive picked back up a bad habit, smoking. I even feel like i've put on weight. An that scares me. I don't want to do anything ill regret to loose it but i do need to fast for a day an then begin binge eating.
School starts pretty soon. I've got all my classes ready to begin next Monday. Im goin to do extremely well so that i may transfer schools, graduate an move away from my family. I blame a LOT of my insecurities an views of things on them. I need to break free. I also feel that my place would be a safe haven for my siblings. My moms anger rages have left physical bruises on us quite often but the ones that are left on the inside i dont believe will ever go away, but breaking free will be the only way they can begin to heal. I missed a lot of school growing up because i was 'sick'...which was short for i had a bruise that ouldn't be covered so i stayed home from school. When i was away for school i felt so guilty everytime my siblings would text me what mom was doing to them. I felt that if i was there i could protect them an take the reprecussions myself. But now i can...an once i get away they'll be old enough to come stay with me whenever they want. SPEND THE WHOLE SUMMER WITH ME if they want an we'll have fun like a REAL family.
After 20 years the man that helped conceive my existence is back in my life. TECHNICALLY he's not in MY life...more so after my mom. I just come along with the package. I dont know how i feel bout it. I want my mom tobe happy because no matter what hell she's put us through...she's my mom. I also dont want him to get away with leaving her to raise a child all alone without any help or contact for 20 years.I feel like she's lettin him off too easy so im puttin up twice the guard for my self an her lack of one. He comes over an stays all night talkin an laughin with her an doesn't even acknowledge his own flesh an blood waltzing around the house.
I think i've vented enough...postin pictures of Edie Sedgwick soon. xoxo

IM BAAAAACK!!

So im back from Chicago!!! It was my first trip with these group of friends an possibly my last... My house is such a battle zone with my mom an i fightin ALL day EVERYDAY that when i get away its my moment of freedom! Well...i get with these girls i wanna sight see during the day as its my first time in the chitown an it only seems right to PARTY all night...the first night we were there...we shopped at forever 21. Not that i dont LOVE that store but we kinda got one here at home, so were basically buying clothes that we could get at home for cheaper due to that difference in tax. Not that i mind spending money...its just kinda second nature. SO I looked hot an got a lot of invites to major parties goin down for the july fourth weekend.........an we attended NONE!!! I didnt wanna go off all alone an on my own so i was back in the hotel by ten almost every night that i was in town. What sucked even more is that i'd go to the lobby an play pool with some people (i lost EVERY game) or use my cellie no longer than an hour an when i got back all my girlies were sleep........at like eleven so i was eft up all night tryin to be quiet an considerate for all the sleepyheads. One of my UBER hot friends lives in chicago an came over to the hotel the last night i was there because he was just gettin in town. So i was hella pumped cuz im like "YEESSSS!!! GETTIN LAID TONIGHT!" i was wrong...we went to the lobby til everyone was sleep an talked...then talked some more.....I knew he was interested in me because well...hahahaha it wouldnt have been our first time hookin up. BUT he wouldnt shut up talking!!! I kept checkin my cell...2am.....3am....an he wuold just shut up. So 4:30 came and we went back in the room kissed an the alarms went off for everyone to wake up an catch our flight. NOW to his defensive...he has a lot goin on in his life an like me has no one to share it with. He confessed to me that while we were hookin up he had a girlfriend. I wasn't mad at him because we weren't dating BUT i felt bad for her because i am a strong believer of staying faithful. I cheated during one of the greatest relationships i've ever an will ever have an i regret it every day of my life. He confided his illness with me and a whole swarm of legal matters that he's gotten himself into. I felt thrilled to have someone trust me with their secrets to hold. It was on lie teh greatest conversation ive ever had. I never open up anything to anyone because i always know that im bein judged...i guess thats why i blog. I didnt judge him on his faults. I admired him for bein so strong an envied him because i have no one i can talk to like that. I was honored that he trusted me enough to share. He did share with his girlfriend about us an she did leave him... :( but thats teh price you have to pay. I learned something about myself that night.......I always put up a wall so that i dont get close to anyone ever, but that moment that i let it down to show him i honestly cared about what he was tellin me was a feeling ive never felt before an i enjoyed it. I have a big heart an i just wanna share it with someone because it feels soooo good! I'm back into reality now, fightin with my mom an working. Ill post a few chi pics soon...an guess what next week is!!! MY BERFDAY! :) talk to you then an tell you how it was...xoxo be safe

First blog :)

This is my first blog and im kinda nervous...i want this to kinda flow off the tongue, down my arms an on to the computer screen. Its about 10:30pm an im already extremely tired. My boss just called....i pressed ignore. Its my week off an he doesn't need me. Im going to Chicago this weekend for 'The Taste'. Its a loooong anticipated vacation...i just wish it was long enough. I've been thinking of startin a great diet...any suggestions? Whatever Perez Hilton is doing is working BUUUUUUT i just dont like that kid....i think theres a fine line between gossip an flat out disrespect an he crosses it everytime. I must say i had a satisfying grin on my face when i heard he got punched in the face by "WILL.I.AM". ANYWAYS...more about me...Im the oldest of three. I've grown up in a house full of stren rules an honestly didn't get enough love in my childhood...i feel that because of that factor i strive to be loved by everyone an want to love everyone!!! I wanna be BIG...famous big....but dont we all? Ha! Gotta love dreaming. I have a father...but he wasnt around much (at all) growin up...another black father statistic. Well im rather tired an Ill probably blog an post trips from Chicago...goodnight everyone. Ill be bloggin every Monday...if you find this interestin just lemme know, id love feed back :)